Hell hath no fury like a thesis scorned

Okay, I’ll admit it. I tend to get really wrapped up in politics, to the point of sometimes going out of my way to pick a fight when someone says something I deem stupid. This generally leads to an elaborate and crushing response in the offending party’s comments section, often broken down into several consecutive posts due to size constraints. And then an even more elaborate and crushing response to their inevitable wimpy protestations and hyperbolic complaints. And so on and so forth.

It’s a problem, I’m owning up to that.

Not because I’m ashamed of my political opinions or somehow unable to fluently justify my positions on controversial topics. I have no problem putting up a point-by-point rundown of the advantages of single-payer health care, nor will I hesitate to provide cited examples of how government spending during a recession can help to boost the economy and boost the economy.

The problem is that I spend far too much time doing it.

Tonight, for instance, my friend Kim posted a comment on her Facebook page essentially expressing her dismay at how some people think President Obama’s doing a lousy job in office. The first few posts were in agreement to this ridiculous sentiment, so I wrote one in favor of Obama, what he’s done so far, and how his actions differ from those of George W. Bush. Those of differing opinions later replied, claiming among other things that 60-80% of Obama’s political policy is the same as Bush’s, that Obama will triple the national deficit by 2012, and that everything he’s done is all part of a socialist plot to destroy the country from within.

Cue my crushing, well-researched response, complete with verifiable stats, stunning points, large words, and, well, logical thought. (Not that there wasn’t some logic to some arguments. Ross, if you’re reading this, you’ve got a point about some of Obama’s policy, but 60-80%? Mmm, no. Health care, the environment, science, the economy, military spending and the Middle East for starters.) About two pages in, I thought I’d check on Kim’s post and reread the arguments I was arguing against, just in case I missed anything.

And that’s when I realized that while I was hard at work composing my impassioned and biting reply, the conversation had gone on without me. More and more replies had shown up from both sides of the issue. The poor misguided fools I was mere paragraphs away from grinding into electronic rubble had shifted their focus, regurgitating different Murdoch-drafted drivel.

Worse still, those on my side of the fence had made arguments I was going to make! They’d usurped my moral high ground and pressed the points I was going to press! These well-meaning malfeasants had robbed me of my final victory, all because they couldn’t be bothered to properly respond to political arguments on Facebook in the form of a 2000 word essay!! What is wrong with you people?!

In a fit of rage I deleted my opus, footnotes and all. Nothing says “pathetic” like some poor sap trying to perpetuate an argument after it’s gone a dozen different directions. I’ve been reduced to turning the whole sordid affair into a rant for today’s blog update.

But I refuse to go gently into that good night! Even my lowly opponents may never read it, I will still make my case known! Albeit in the form of out-of-context bulleted one-liners, followed by obnoxious Emril-esque yelps of authority and worth. C’est la vie.

• TARP was a Bush policy, not an Obama policy. BAM!
• Triple? Really? In 2008, the national deficit came in at just under $10 trillion. 2012 projections indicate that it’ll be up to around $16.5 trillion. Do math much? BAM!
• Generally speaking, Obama takes the Centrist, left of the middle approach. He’s not a Liberal on most issues, much as you and I both wish otherwise. BAM!
• There aren’t enough taxes because of Dubya’s ridiculous tax cuts for the wealthy! BAM!
• Again, it was Dubya that started the whole “borrow from China” thing. Don’t blame Obama for that. How do you think Dubya paid for two wars without raising taxes, as has been the case in all other extended military conflicts in the U.S.? By borrowing trillions from China! BAM!
• Do you even know What the New Deal was? Do you actually know what FDR stands for?! BAM!
• How can Neo-Cons be so up in arms against federal spending that will supposedly have a dire effect on future generations, yet be so blasé when considering the long-term ramifications of pollution and global warming? What, it’s okay to be the richest people on the burnt-out mudball, but long-term planning for sustainable living is out of the question? BAM!
• The weak economy isn’t Bush’s fault, huh? I can’t believe you just typed that. Christ, I can’t believe I just typed that, and I’m being sarcastic! BAM!
• Why does Obama deserve understanding and respect when Bush was given none, you ask? Well, let’s talk about that after Obama invades a country and overthrows a government and then leaves, invades another country just for shits and giggles, plays golf while New Orleans drowns, establishes prisons outside of US jurisdiction, tortures detainees, pushes creationism in the public education system, develops a “My Way or the Highway” credo regarding international diplomacy, encourages Wall Street to run wild while eliminating federal oversight, attempts to privatize social security, destroys environmental protection policies, and has his VP try to force votes in Congress. Then I might agree with you that Obama doesn’t deserve our respect in the same way Bush doesn’t. BAM!
• You can’t just label countries terrorist countries because they’re Muslim. It doesn’t work that way. And why, oh why, would you ever supersede diplomacy? War is not preferable to diplomacy. Just ask 1.5 million dead Iraqis. BAM!
• You’re questioning his ability to lead because he openly drinks beer in public. Okay. Turn your computer off, stock up on canned goods and ammunition, and wait quietly in the woods for the Rapture like a good fanatic. BAM!
• So you knew all along that Rush Limbaugh was addicted to opiates, right? BAM!
• Making things up?!? Death Panels, Obamacare, pulling the plug on Gramma, Obama’s a Muslim from Kenya, denying coverage to Republicans, Iraq-has-weapons-of-mass-destruction, and it’s the LEFT that’s making things up? BAM!

Well, that went on longer that it probably should have. But it was pretty cathartic. I’ll admit I jumped back on to Kim’s comment page to pick out a little more fuel for my righteous fire once I got on a roll. And what can I say, this Laura person makes for good target practice.

But anyway, back to the point. I have a problem. I’m addicted to writing long, impassioned responses to lame arguments with only the slightest provocation. It’s an ongoing struggle. One that, judging from the final outcome of this post, I appear to be losing.